My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
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Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Wait a minute
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.