If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
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one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Mission: Impossible
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face