If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
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People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
i want the dreams to chase me for once
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*