I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
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hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
The Book. The Movie.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*