*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
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Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
selena gomez
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.