When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
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Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”