Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
You Might Also Like
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah