STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
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“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I鈥檝e never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I鈥檝e never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I鈥檝e ever seen.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When鈥檚 dinner?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Just so funny
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 馃槒馃槒馃槒
I鈥檓 sorry, I鈥檓 going to have to cancel, I鈥檓 completely snowed in
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
me: hello 911
operator: actually you鈥檝e reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I鈥檓 dangling from a cliff
You can鈥檛 make me jealous. You鈥檙e not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.