I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
You Might Also Like
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud