She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
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USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦