me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
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Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*