[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
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On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine