Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.