teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
You Might Also Like
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
A bold strategy
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.