I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
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I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake