Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
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An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
“Why you watching this shit?”
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.