I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
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devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
How animals would run if they were human
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*