The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
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absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.