Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
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them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?