who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
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Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye