I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
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My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?