Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
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Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.