What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
You Might Also Like
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”