ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
You Might Also Like
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
How about daylight saves us for once
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe