Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
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A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
how to have an accident 101
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
😏😏😏
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR