I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
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One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
this isn’t threatening at all
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦