Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
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Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.