Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
You Might Also Like
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.