Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
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ibopfufen
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Yup!
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
How can I say no to this ?