why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
You Might Also Like
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry