It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
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Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Black Friday “markdowns” like
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
who did the taste test?
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2