Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
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“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?