gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
how high up are we talkin’?
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
me as a parent
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
🛁
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.