[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
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Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Super Hand Dog Face
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no