I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
You Might Also Like
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..