If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
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[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
secret recipe
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.