My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
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Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder