My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
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if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract