FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
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Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
#oldknees
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating