doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
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I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
You better watch out
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking