[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
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People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.