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A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
dictator is short for richard potato
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.