SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
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Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked