I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
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Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Lucky old June.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting