I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
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Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.