I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
You Might Also Like
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
my dad has had enough
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*