I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
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A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom