[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
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selena gomez
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Don’t make me out nice you.
why am I working on Labor Day
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
The sacred texts.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.