Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
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Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I only eat vegetarians.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job