Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
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I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.